à cette fille!

à cette fille!

So, here’s to marking another legendary move of the life experiment, to another lost cause! Not bothered by or wondering the what if’s and the may be’s! Another shot at one’s own foot, but with no remorse!

yet?

Ermm, well, there’s certainty this will be another chapter you’ll move on from, with no remorse at all, but this is, may be, a counting to how many before there’s a stop to this and you finally hit the wall, and there’s no going beyond. Try pushing the wall more, to no avail!

Good times, and the not-so’s, and the between’s!

When does the cycle end? Is there even an end, or will insanity prevail? I don’t know!

Another character dies – to be fair, it had been dead for a while – and the final goodbye has been exchanged. Not in the exact words as told, but there’s no turning back! That was a good run.

Ask me if anything changes. No!

Tell me this was a mistake, and see if I care. “You can not imagine the immensity of fuck I do not give!” Need I say more?

Then why this? Because I want to! anything else?

Here’s to you! Danse fille,, danse!

May be next time, we can have a conversation, and not be strangers! Or we could just turn around and walk the opposite direction.

To life, and the characters, and the stories, the beginnings and the endings,
Cheers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLhYswDBrGQ: No, I don’t know!

LETS GO :D !!!

4 months (referring to the last blog I had)… Its been 4 months since I last wrote something,anything… well, not literally, for I had the first two, make it three, months kept aside for my schooling work, not that dedicated to studies, but I was busy… and the last month left, this past month, I have been busy doing NOTHING… school’s been out, so has an order in life… I don’t remember what day it is, I don’t care to remember because everyday is the same day – nothing to do, no deadlines to meet, so every day is a MONDAY or a TUESDAY or any other day, doesn’t really matter much to me. Time flies by, it flew right by me and I was fine with that. It didn’t bother me that I had been doing nothing or anything productive. I have been awfully lazy these days, my hourly updates on Facebook plead innocence, but guilty I am. Today is not about anything in particular, or anything at all… I just feel like writing (typing) about anything, everything in my mind right now, and my mind is hollow… It’s a hollow hole that takes everything it sees, hears, understands, and sucks it into the void emptiness, hence resulting in it still being hollow and empty like always. World Cup, cheers, sleeplessness, verbal abuses to the opponent supporter – life cannot get more complicated, ahhhhh !!!

I wonder at times if I am doing the right thing – schooling, 4.0′s and vague attempts at it, work (me and my wishes, and desires, and irresponsibility), contemplations and conclusions, holding on and letting go, expectations and disappointments (and rejoices more often than not too), being aware and acting idiotic, thinking too hard about random scenarios and doing nothing about the real one… DAMN, life is complicated… and how simple it is at the same time. At times, I try to be “NORMAL” and try hard at convincing myself this is how life actually works – meeting deadlines, working for your future, nurturing your art, keeping up with expectations others have of you, taking out time to fulfill your “expected” duties, and etcetera etcetera (which comprehends everything. YES, EVERYTHING!!!). I’m am not cynical, or dejected, or in anyways whatsoever a FRUSTU as they say back home… Fortunately, I really have nothing to worry about (thank you, everyone contributing to that), but this is how I amuse myself. I find it amusing to question one’s (read own) purpose in life, about one’s aspirations and desires, and ponder and reflect at the creativity that emerges after that (creativity, hahaha, makes me feel better, so let me call it that), and question the worthiness of living an earthly life… Have no doubts, the day I have an answer to escaping this “blinded” path we walk on and  LIVE the way we all do, you won’t find me around… and hopefully, I won’t be missed as much either…

And then it changed !!!

Yea, just like that, time flies by… Between my last post and this, I (re) activated my Facebook and resorted back to msn chats… and after catching up a bit about everyone else out there, I am gone again… I just deactivated it and deleted messenger from my lappy may be 5 minutes ago…. reasons need not be explained, for I don’t owe an explanation… but I know how some of you (I am talking about everyone who thinks I am doing it again, and that I will be back again) are already making assumptions about how long I will stay away from it… over dramatic much ?? (I hope this is not a copy-right, Rosie), I don’t care… I just had one of those moments when you realize that no matter how much you want things to stay as they are, they are all but going to change… and I am not good with changes… about a month back, one guy came to my store and asked me for a pint of liquor… I casually told him that his evening was going to get a lot better now that he had some company with him… he replied, “Everything will change, brother… You had a bad day, it will change…. You are having the best time of your life, it will change… you have a very bad phase going on, it will pass and change too…and more so”… I could tell he was a bit intoxicated, and I too added to the list of everything that was going to change… and though I knew that then, I wasn’t bothered about it… until now… Now, I realize that everything will change… good, bad, highs and lows, life and death and everything in between… everything changes… and nothing is permanent (This is the point I want to make through my emphasis on change… my focus is not more on the “how”  and “why” of the changes, but on how nothing stays permanent, just in case it wasn’t obvious.) I think a lot about permanency, about how we want things to stay as they are for the rest of our lives when we have something we would want to have for the rest of our lives… I am not talking about love here (I am one of those who believe it is far too over-rated)… but I can’t seem to be in complete darkness of the fact that love is one of those things one would want to hold on to -  from my understanding of what I have seen in movies, read in books, heard in conversations, and also talked about with my friends (you know, those girls you are good friends with who think love makes their world spin around, and there are just a few too many I know…just my luck )… enough about love… lets get back to the topic…

Changes and Permanency – I am one of those who are reluctant to changes, not that I hate it, but I am not fond of it either… and I would much rather have things the way they are than have the “shuffle” mode of my life on, and my life going up and down, and skipping tracks so much so that you lose a track of where you are… I am fond of stories – personal, impersonal, third party, narrative, descriptive, imaginary, actual/factual, random, come whatever… I am, in some way, amazed by how much every little thing can teach you; right or wrong is not important here… And I try to learn every chance I get (may be that’s why my mind fluctuates from 0 to a 100 and vice-versa every time, because I try to learn more than needed, and then, make an attempt to implement it a bit too much.) But nothing really is permanent, which is sad, or exciting depending on what the case is… and also, time waits for none…. Time – what hasn’t been said and heard about it !!! and it’s the reason why things don’t stay permanent… because eventually, time runs out.. no matter where we are in life and what we are doing, time will run out, and then, you can only wonder what could have happened if you had some more time… some more time to finish a project, some more time to turn in an assignment, some more time to spend with your dearies, and some more time to hold that hand…. and all we are left with is the WHAT IF???… nothing is permanent besides change…. NOTHING !!!

I just finished watching a movie, and it made me question the truth we hold on to dearly and with all our might, only to realize eventually how weak it is when it stands against forces of nature… I fail to understand how we are unable to realize the bigger picture and are easily soaked up in the present so much so that nothing else matters than what we see in front of our eyes… It is sometimes saddening and overwhelming to see things fall apart, and hope and pray that everything happens for a reason and that there are better things in store for the future…but there isn’t anything else you can do either… you can’t sulk and cry and whine for the rest of your life, become a loner and totally cut yourself off from the surroundings or abash yourself. Neither can you go about berserk and raise your finger to the society and live like a nomad (though it sounds appealing)…

But then again, if only life were much simpler to live, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much !!!

Forever Young – how I wish I was !!!

I found this somewhere in my computer. Its kinda old, but I felt like posting it… And before y’all read it, poetry’s not my thing… This was my high school stuff…. shake your head !!!

Look at you, running around in that cute little dress of yours

With a angel’s smile, you’ve tucked your hair beneath a hair-band.

A boy ten years old looks at you sitting on some concrete pipes

And he is too naïve to understand what is happening.

He looks at you and it brightens up his day.

He knows you’re happy, and so is he.

Your glow is so radiant, the boy is amazed

He sits there and looks at you, and smiles,

And he is too naïve to understand what just happened.

Time flies by, he keeps it all to himself,

And still when he sees you, he smiles.

Within him is a desire screaming and desperately agonizing,

But he holds it all, for he thinks he understands

Yet, he is too naïve to understand what had just happened.

The boy thinks he has it all figured out,

That if he held it all within, nothing would ever surface out.

For he’d rather be ripped within, he’d still force a smile upon his face

Than to ever hurt that little girl whose thought alone would make his day.

And he is still too naïve to understand what had already happened.

He knows his inner demons, and he knows he is weak

So he kills himself within, but lets you know not a thing.

He would go through hell just to see you smile,

Than ever have you shed a tear for mistakes he makes, certainly he will.

He would lock that box you opened within and throw away the key,

And he would force a smile upon his face, inside he’s been shred.

And he is still too naïve to understand what is happening.

He will never know exactly as to what had happened,

Still, he wonders and wonders about what had already happened,

He is too naïve to understand all that ever happened,

Too naïve to understand if anything ever happened!!!

Its only a Friday !!!

I was going through my earlier blogs when I read the last post I had…and its just one of those same old days when I have nothing better to do than read what I have written..I have a very short term memory, and so, reading what I have posted helps me understand better as to where I have been and what I have been through…. anyhoo, here’s the post I so easily copy pasted from my blogspot thingy….and I still feel the same way about everything like I did when I posted it then….

So, not really in a good mood today, good depending on what you think is good – smiling and jolly, or contemplative and seriousness, or crazy and delusional, or any other category you have in which GOOD MOOD falls into. Nothing major though, just one too many thoughts contradicting each other, one trying to overshadow the other, and just too many to keep a count on…It’s like a volcanic eruption – everything erupts at once, and within moments, destroys everything it comes in contact with. This whirlwind of thought process in your head and you don’t know what to do with it, which to listen to, which to ignore and which to do away with. No, this is not frustration, neither an outburst, nor a complaint. I’d like to think of it as more of creating space for other ideals, that will also eventually end up as a disappointment – Yes, the HUMAN RACE is what I am talking about, and letting go of the misery – (I’d have used HATRED, but it’s just a bit too strong, and it’s not hatred, anyways) or how others have failed living up to the expectations or simply, haven’t even thought twice about the simplest of matters and just moved on with the flow, just too shallow – that you held on for so long, it started poisoning you from the inside and the venom kept sucking the life out of you, and yet, you chose not to act upon it, rather just see it happen from a safe distance and then, move on with your ohh-soo-precious life and all of its mundane, unworthy moral values.

Circling lives around one single thing – relationships, work, money, power – whichever appeases your appetite for happiness, is just not a way to spend your life, at least as far as my knowledge extends up to. I am not trying to decide how you should lead your life. I neither have the knowledge, nor my fair share of experience – anything at all to let me be in a position from where I can judge you or ask more of you. But I think I am entitled to my opinion, and in my opinionated world, you are just a breed of those who will have lived and died in vain. And no, I am not asking you to go and change the world, haha, that would only make me a nincompoop in a land of not-that-brilliant-either society, and yes, I am generalizing the society as it is – selfish, conceited, self-invested, and immoral, so if you fall out of the society as it stands in my view, my apologies to you. Just try to make yourselves better, or the world around you a bit less infected. Contribute whatever you can, and contribution is not limited to monetary relief or goods. Limit the use of plastic bags, or walk to a place ten minutes away – these are the simplest of things everyone of us can do. Emphasize on Reuse and Recycle, yes, it is possible and beneficial. Change lives if its within your reach – feed a hungry, help teach a child, or just pass on any thing you learn on to others, for a small act of charity will go on a long way. Humanity is the only way towards pure satisfaction, and even if your attempt has no big visible impact, you will be making a difference, YES you will. Even I am not alarmed nor that motivated neither remotely capable of changing the world, but I do think about it and I am willing to work on it, towards motivating myself to “practice what you preach”.

An Exchange between two restless souls !!!

This here is an email exchanged between me and my high school English teacher, currently in Australia….and its has almost everything I need for a post….better, I have someone else’s perspective on what I think too…and that’s always an added bonus…. its kinda long, but worth a read probably…. so here it is !!!

Mate,
I have been wanting to write to you for a long time now, and I just didn’t have anything to talk about as of yet… I just finished watching a movie named, The Lovely Bones, and it again has left with so many unanswered questions, I don;t know what to do with them… I fail to understand why human nature is as it is…why there is soo much wrong going on in the world and what one gets out of any wrong doing… we talk about karma all we want and how GOD always punishes anyone for their wrong doing…but that is not true….in fact, it is far far deviated from reality… there are still hungry suckers out there who feed off of innocent victims and there’s nothing that happens to them… I don;t know what to make out of it… I am too young to think about everything that governs life, but I can’t help it… I just fail to understand why everything is as it is and why human nature is such… and I am not talking about any one instance or another… or the movie…but I feel restless everytime I think about why the world is such a screw-up and yet, how we claim to be the most brilliant of all the species…. Is it that there are still those who try to feed of others while not caring about the consequence… everything is overwhelming… and I don’t know what to make of it… I have too many complaints, and I have just as many questions for which I have yet to find any answers… I feel dragged, helpless, and apathetic towards any one now… I think the human society is too much consumer driven for anyone to start LIVING once again… the one life they get, they spend it after materialistic quest, monetary success and wealth accumulation…and I don;t know why it is so…. I am bothered by the way the society functions and how it expects us to move in the same way…. There’s just soo much I want to do, mate… and I will doo everything I want to do someday…. I just don;t see a point in being one of the rest who want name, fame and everything the world has to offer… I hope I can be of good to they people who are in distress and to anyone who deserves a right to live… right now, I am blabbering because I need to get it all out of me for now… I hope this isn’t discomforting in anyways, and my apologies to you if it is… but you know how it is, I can’t help but wonder why things are the way they are, and all I can do is wonder..no matter how much I convince myself that one man can change the world, I am conscious to the fact that one voice in a crowd will just fade away and nothing will be left of it… and I don’t want to change the world…my goals and my aspirations aren’t that unrealistic… but I want to live my life and make the most of the only chance we have to make any difference… I can’t cry right now, but trust me, my heart is overflowing with tears when I think of everything that’s wrong…. I don’t know what to do… the last line of the movie I talked about goes like this – “No body notices when we leave, I mean the moment when we choose to go…At best, you might feel a whisper…or the wave of a whisper………….I was here for a moment, and then, I was gone…I wish you all a long and happy life.” and it is true indeed – we all are here only for a moment and then, we are gone too… I also ranted a few aboout all of this in one of my blogs, check it out when you have time…comments are highly expected and appreciated..:D…http://pukurey.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/palpasa-cafe/ and I sincerely hope you make the most out of this wonderful opportunity you have..I shall do the same… and now, I feel a bit relieved…so here’s the normal chit-chat back again…

Hey mate, hows it going in land down under ?? I hope this mail finds you in the best of health and spirit.. I am doing good, a bit down with fever right now, but nothing much to worry about… everything here is taken care of.. how have you been?? And I really am sorry for no writing to you..I thought about it many a times, and yet here I am replying to you rather than being the first one to write..and so, I am sorry about that… so, replying to the email you have… Well, what do I start with.. I don’t know if i ever want to come back to facebook and all that – not that I don’t miss my friends and all away from me, but I just can’t take anymore of the shallowness there exists in the facebook talks and all of that… and I am not stereotyping, but I really am fed up of everything on it… All I have been upto is school and work in between…that’s how my life is ticking away as of now…but I have no complaints… I love my classes this semester..I have an art class and photography too..I have taken up photography as my associates because I now want to be able to capture humans in their true spirit… I am fascinated by how a face speaks a thousand words and yet, we fail to acknowledge it…so, I want to save up my share of stories I see in pictures I take of people and their faces…and guess what, I think I have my own one liner now..I really haven’t seen this anywhere, so as far as I am concerned, it is all mine.. here it goes – “A picture speaks a thousand words…and a face depicts a thousand stories.” …haha… I know…
and I might be in exile for quite sometime now..and so, this mail is going to be the only way we shall talk about life and movies and songs and humans and society and everything in between – random… and I hope you are finding it as relieveing as I am in staying away from fb… relish the moments you have, matey… for you might be able to do everything tomorrow again, but it will only be tomorrow, and today will never ever come back..so do it now, anything and everything you want to…

About the Jhonny depp movies, I shall look around for the movies and the dvds you have in the list… and I shall let you know what if anything comes up…and the dough is not a concern right now… like homer says it – “d’uh”… the only dough I like is the dough that makes dough-nuts…so we’re good with that…:D

and I am glad you;re still open to learning and questioning your beliefs…you are one of those seldom people who look forward to living, and trust me, it is one of the proudest thing there is..and I am glad to have you around me…and everything you bring along with you..all the craziness and lessons and experiences and everything, everything… Glad to have you around, matey… and I really hope you hit the streets and enjoy what lies infront of us…have a good trip on your quest to find the unrevealed secrets and unseen horizons… I bet it’s gonna be as awesome as I assume it to be..and I only wish it’s better than that…do let me know when you take the road and keep me updated with what’s going on around you…and I know you’ll do what you want to – so thumbs up to the skydiving and the tats you plan to ink… mail me the pics after you get ‘em…

I am high on life these days… I realize how things are not the best every time and how we should learn to smile in the worst of scenarios..so here’s to life…and every once in a while, I treat myself to movies and music that makes me lose myself from this hungry disorderly society…but I am good with all that… Its been a pleasure to hear from you and hit back anytime.. I shall respond to it with the best of my ability … have fun, and always do good, matey..I know you will, but still, any chance you get to contribute to the betterment, let your hand forward (IT doesn’t always have to be pockets that we lend, sometimes, hands and words are more than enough too)…. make the most of what you have, matey… I shall try to do all of this with my life too..and sorry about the long mail..hope you’re not asleep by the time you reach here…haha….

till the next time I hear from you, here’s one to life matey… cheers !!!

And now, here is his reply..

Hey Punks,

Your email has woken me wide awake, stirred my thoughts, stimulated my mind and once again encouraged me to share some of our most precious assests- thoughts and ideas.And boy, i relish doing this.However, at the end of this all, we can pose ourselves this striking question: did we walk our talk???

Movies, music and books also become our refuge when we don’t feel very good about ourselves and the world in and around us and there is no denying  how relieving and uplifting they can be when they truly appeal and talk to us. Your keen and sharp observance about the world and critical questioning tells me you truly have a good conscience, you are rapidly growing up and you can THINK for yourself and others. To put it in simple words- you are smart, intelligent and you have loads of potential(which you need to tap, channel and use it wisely).

If you are happy, let me describe the world as i see and perceive it( which i expect you to question some and not take the whole story as the gospel truth or some holy epic). If the world is indeed beautiful, it is also a completely fucked-up place. Is it like the two sides of everything??? Here, i am questioning all.If there is goodness and beauty (which you have to find with your roving eyes and mind) in the world, suspicion, hatred, envy, jealousy, greed,terrorism, extremism, avarice and all kinds of unimaginable evil and horror thrive in this world. The truth that history reveals is that these things have always existed ever since the birth of humankind and we will have to live with it as long as humans don’t become extinct.ENTER THE PRESENT- the modern digital and computer age, the age of nano technology and the age of mass consumerism and more. I sincerely can’t make much sense of how the modern society functions- it is only complicating everything in the way it is trying to make human life comfortable and better.Yes, modern society is massively driven by ulterior motives of sky-rocketing profit and more profit and the unending desire to possess more more and more material things and tragically, we all have fallen into a trap;we have become victims of our own uncontrolled desires. The whole world plunged into a global recession because of the greed of a few individuals around the world. Everything is and can be marketed and promoted to make more money. People buy shit and call it precious possessions, art and what not.The media rules the roost. They super hype everything and  make everything seem so glossy, glamorous, strong and godly and the most unfortunately thing is we lap everything the media dishes out to us; we have become like the herd of sheep
-always trusting and ready to be led anywhere even to our own doom. HAVE WE FORGOTTEN TO THINK,SUSPECT, QUESTION OTHERS’ IDEAS AND TRUST OUR OWN INSTICTS???Sports and sportspeople, music and musicians, movies and movie stars, exclude pornstars, lolz, artists, artistes and many others are hyped beyond our imagination and we go gaga over them and worship them as god or demi gods(not that i don’t respect their talents and skills but they are paid and raised to a pedestal that they are not worth it). Having come to experience a western world, i have learned that most things in the western world are sweet coated, everyone tries to cover up their asses and most unpleasant things are so well disguised. Most advanced countries disguise the truth so well;they usually have hidden agendas with other countries and most backward countries are victims of the so called first world countries’ ideologies and policies. Isn’t this some form of extremism?So can you solely blame some countries and religion of terrorism????And let’s face it: all of us on this planet want to live a better, comfortable and luxurious life like all the people of the first world countries. The sad truth is that our only EARTH does not have enough resources for the whole world to afford such a luxury; we would need two earths to afford such a life for everyone on this planet. Did you notice how everything (especially food, and other essentials and luxuries) in the west is in plentiful and wasted without any thought? And on the other side of the world people are dying for want of food and water. Critics say that the big of issue of climate change is a sham. It is alleged that designating climate change as a serious issue will allow governments across the world to raise huge taxes. If this is true, what a shame! Come to think of it in a small part of the world in a boarding school in Buddhanagar, Kathmandu a group of teachers and students were so concerned about our ailing earth that they took some small vital steps to do what they could within their capacity-only because they loved this EARTH. I am wondering if climate change is a fact or made up or am i ready to believe some scientists who say that climate change or global warming is a natural phenomenon(considering that we have had an ice age earlier).There are countless other things about our world that we could question and enter into a debate. In the end they remain mere opinions and nothing is done about it.

If you have read through (and also between the lines)the above paragraph( in proper grammar usage, it is too long to be a paragraph and would need to be divided into a few paragraphs) you are very likely to conclude that i have turned into a pessimist or possibly a cynic. I want to clear my name out and say i am none of these. I am negative not because i am negative but i want to see the negatives, confront it, cure the negatives and create positives. Most of what you and i see in this world is true and most we fail to understand it( remember, there are many mysteries about life and everything surrounding us). Many centuries ago there were some people like you  who tried to right the wrongs, change perceptions and attitude and thereby change the world. The result: the world did not change as they had hoped; the world took its own course and changed the way it had to or was designed to change. But yes, those rare,brave, extra-ordinary humans also left their marks and still today they continue to inspire and motive people like you to use the head and heart as well and not follow the crowd.

I was once inspired by what a friend shared with me:during the course of a train journey an elderly shared a piece of his wisdom with him- he said to him,”Kid, you do your best in life, use your potential to achieve the good and best in life, do all the good you can and enjoy life without trying to change the world for you cannot change the world.” I must say this pearl of wisdom has stayed with me and i still think of it.

Punks, i know you have set realistic goals and objectives for yourself and most importantly, i know you will not follow the crowd blindly(therein lies your challenge and realization of your happiness and dreams) but be a stand out. I have an instinct that says you will create you own path and walk it with determination and passion. You see the world is not perfect. We have to live with what is in the world without trying to be like the crowd. We can do small things in great ways and not expect acknowledgement or to be catapulted into stardom. While we are trying to do all the good we can, the demon in us will also throw at us some challenges, tempt us and distract us. Like humans, we will succumb to some and avoid some.However, we must always endeavour to be human being(sometimes we are just being humans) and humane too.But for a change once again: let us mean what we talk  try to WALK  our TALK seriously.

As i said to you in my earlier mail, our learning curve in life after landing in Australia has been steep and massive. Everyday is a new opportunity to learn something new(sometimes from the most unlikely people and in the most unlikely places). I keep my ears, eyes and mind open to learning and experiencing as there is no end to it. I hope to uncover some secrets and demystify some mysteries of life- someday, hopefully.As i am learning more and more, i am unafraid to say i really know nothing. I am a human being and i have my darker side, i sometimes cock up and stuff up. If people still love and accept me, i know i will never hurt or harm them, haha, so much for the good and bad in me.

In the coming days, i hope i can be useful and purposeful to my family, friends and hopefully my society and my country. I have foreseen the fact that i cannot contribute much to western societies. When i get back to my country(which i don’t know when it will be), i hope i don’t have to be a 9 to 5 man to make a living. I don’t like the idea of working for others to make them rich. If i can set my goals and objectives and achieve them (of course, without following the crowd).

As long as we live sanely, i know we will be open to questioning and improving ourselves and the world around us. You may agree or disagree with me on what i have tried to discuss with you in this email( i have never gone to such length before, hopefully i will be stimulated to write stuff of better substance in the times to follow).

It is now my turn to say that this email must have put you to sleep and i may have probably drifted from the main topic and gone random.

Sleep is good for health. Until the next writing and thinking exercise, CHEERS  to your spirit and life!

Mate,
I have been wanting to write to you for a long time now, and I just didn’t have anything to talk about as of yet… I just finished watching a movie named, The Lovely Bones, and it again has left with so many unanswered questions, I don;t know what to do with them… I fail to understand why human nature is as it is…why there is soo much wrong going on in the world and what one gets out of any wrong doing… we talk about karma all we want and how GOD always punishes anyone for their wrong doing…but that is not true….in fact, it is far far deviated from reality… there are still hungry suckers out there who feed off of innocent victims and there’s nothing that happens to them… I don;t know what to make out of it… I am too young to think about everything that governs life, but I can’t help it… I just fail to understand why everything is as it is and why human nature is such… and I am not talking about any one instance or another… or the movie…but I feel restless everytime I think about why the world is such a screw-up and yet, how we claim to be the most brilliant of all the species…. Is it that there are still those who try to feed of others while not caring about the consequence… everything is overwhelming… and I don’t know what to make of it… I have too many complaints, and I have just as many questions for which I have yet to find any answers… I feel dragged, helpless, and apathetic towards any one now… I think the human society is too much consumer driven for anyone to start LIVING once again… the one life they get, they spend it after materialistic quest, monetary success and wealth accumulation…and I don;t know why it is so…. I am bothered by the way the society functions and how it expects us to move in the same way…. There’s just soo much I want to do, mate… and I will doo everything I want to do someday…. I just don;t see a point in being one of the rest who want name, fame and everything the world has to offer… I hope I can be of good to they people who are in distress and to anyone who deserves a right to live… right now, I am blabbering because I need to get it all out of me for now… I hope this isn’t discomforting in anyways, and my apologies to you if it is… but you know how it is, I can’t help but wonder why things are the way they are, and all I can do is wonder..no matter how much I convince myself that one man can change the world, I am conscious to the fact that one voice in a crowd will just fade away and nothing will be left of it… and I don’t want to change the world…my goals and my aspirations aren’t that unrealistic… but I want to live my life and make the most of the only chance we have to make any difference… I can’t cry right now, but trust me, my heart is overflowing with tears when I think of everything that’s wrong…. I don’t know what to do… the last line of the movie I talked about goes like this – “No body notices when we leave, I mean the moment when we choose to go…At best, you might feel a whisper…or the wave of a whisper………….I was here for a moment, and then, I was gone…I wish you all a long and happy life.” and it is true indeed – we all are here only for a moment and then, we are gone too… I also ranted a few aboout all of this in one of my blogs, check it out when you have time…comments are highly expected and appreciated..:D…http://pukurey.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/palpasa-cafe/ and I sincerely hope you make the most out of this wonderful opportunity you have..I shall do the same… and now, I feel a bit relieved…so here’s the normal chit-chat back again…

Hey mate, hows it going in land down under ?? I hope this mail finds you in the best of health and spirit.. I am doing good, a bit down with fever right now, but nothing much to worry about… everything here is taken care of.. how have you been?? And I really am sorry for no writing to you..I thought about it many a times, and yet here I am replying to you rather than being the first one to write..and so, I am sorry about that… so, replying to the email you have… Well, what do I start with.. I don’t know if i ever want to come back to facebook and all that – not that I don’t miss my friends and all away from me, but I just can’t take anymore of the shallowness there exists in the facebook talks and all of that… and I am not stereotyping, but I really am fed up of everything on it… All I have been upto is school and work in between…that’s how my life is ticking away as of now…but I have no complaints… I love my classes this semester..I have an art class and photography too..I have taken up photography as my associates because I now want to be able to capture humans in their true spirit… I am fascinated by how a face speaks a thousand words and yet, we fail to acknowledge it…so, I want to save up my share of stories I see in pictures I take of people and their faces…and guess what, I think I have my own one liner now..I really haven’t seen this anywhere, so as far as I am concerned, it is all mine.. here it goes – “A picture speaks a thousand words…and a face depicts a thousand stories.” …haha… I know…
and I might be in exile for quite sometime now..and so, this mail is going to be the only way we shall talk about life and movies and songs and humans and society and everything in between – random… and I hope you are finding it as relieveing as I am in staying away from fb… relish the moments you have, matey… for you might be able to do everything tomorrow again, but it will only be tomorrow, and today will never ever come back..so do it now, anything and everything you want to…

About the Jhonny depp movies, I shall look around for the movies and the dvds you have in the list… and I shall let you know what if anything comes up…and the dough is not a concern right now… like homer says it – “d’uh”… the only dough I like is the dough that makes dough-nuts…so we’re good with that…:D

and I am glad you;re still open to learning and questioning your beliefs…you are one of those seldom people who look forward to living, and trust me, it is one of the proudest thing there is..and I am glad to have you around me…and everything you bring along with you..all the craziness and lessons and experiences and everything, everything… Glad to have you around, matey… and I really hope you hit the streets and enjoy what lies infront of us…have a good trip on your quest to find the unrevealed secrets and unseen horizons… I bet it’s gonna be as awesome as I assume it to be..and I only wish it’s better than that…do let me know when you take the road and keep me updated with what’s going on around you…and I know you’ll do what you want to – so thumbs up to the skydiving and the tats you plan to ink… mail me the pics after you get ‘em…

I am high on life these days… I realize how things are not the best every time and how we should learn to smile in the worst of scenarios..so here’s to life…and every once in a while, I treat myself to movies and music that makes me lose myself from this hungry disorderly society…but I am good with all that… Its been a pleasure to hear from you and hit back anytime.. I shall respond to it with the best of my ability … have fun, and always do good, matey..I know you will, but still, any chance you get to contribute to the betterment, let your hand forward (IT doesn’t always have to be pockets that we lend, sometimes, hands and words are more than enough too)…. make the most of what you have, matey… I shall try to do all of this with my life too..and sorry about the long mail..hope you’re not asleep by the time you reach here…haha….

till the next time I hear from you, here’s one to life matey… cheers !!!

Pictures speak a thousand words…and faces depict a thousand stories !!!

Its time I went to bed…but not just yet… Sitting in the living room, with light kinda Orange-y (the upright lamp has the thing you get in Thamel and put around lamps to make room kinda alive), makes me nostalgic about times in Thamel and Basantapur at nights when the lights would be so colorful and so peaceful, life seemed perfect…. and now, after a long day and countless nights of sleep-deprivation, I am at peace with myself. I am not happy, I am not complaining, I am not agitated and I am not bothered at this moment right here and now… and listening to a guy named “Selfbrush” (I found him in an article in wave, which I accidentally stumbled onto, I have to say, he sounds just right for where I am right now)…. and now, its Bohemian Rhapsody (always gives you the chills)… I can’t help stopping this smile I have on my face, and I have no reason for its being… I am just indifferent I guess… I wish everything were simple as it feels right now… everything apprehends EVERYTHING – life, family, world, people….and whatever else you can imagine… just imagine how it would feel like to have nothing to worry about – no future to scare you and no present to intimidate you and no past to haunt you… and you’re just living – grateful to be alive and excited to see what awaits you, living at its peak, where everything made sense, or nothing mattered, and thus you need not have to struggle to make any sense.

People have always fascinated me, and I have a huge appetite for life stories. I love reading about others and how they visualize life, their concept of living, their means to attaining happiness, their version of their life. And I have always believed, “Pictures speak a thousand words…and faces depict a thousand stories.” – and this is what I believe, and I came up with this line to summon my fascination with portraits and faces (the main reason I have taken photography classes). And I truly have no record of anyone else ever using it, so yea, I finally have my own one-liner – take that Shakespeare !!! And I love being amused by someone’s else account of their lives, the stories they share (I just read an account of a girl who is in love with a boy younger to her and what she had to say on that…another life-story).

I really don’t have anything to write about..But I feel like writing today… just writing whatever comes to my mind…But I have to be careful not to pour everything on my mind, some stuffs might not be rated E… lol…haha… anyhoo, I just feel like writing today – may be the rain on the porch outside has something to do with it, may be the visual ambience, the orangy light I talked about earlier has something to do with it…or may be its something entirely different in its whole entity that makes me want to write…but what do I have to say (If I had anything to say, I would have already posted a blog on that, but I really have nothing to talk about)..so if you think you’re wasting your time right now and that you need to stop reading this blog right now, go ahead, I won’t be offended or hurt…I just told you a while ago, I am indifferent right now… so nothing would bother me…

And the thought of the drawing class at 8 in the morning tomorrow is still somewhere in the back of my head trying to get me to sleep..but it knows, and so do I, that all its effort will go in vain and that I won’t listen to anything it has to say… I just don’t care as of this moment… but I love my classes this semester, all of it – well, almost !!!

I just stretched my arms and my back, and almost let out a yawn, meaning I better head off to sleep, or my art class tomorrow will be a disaster (which is an every-class thing by now, but hush, no one knows yet..) but I really want to write right now, I really do….about anything and everything and nothing..I wish I could master the art of nothingness, I will have attained the sole purpose of my existence… but now, I am about to leave…I think… well, I am…so here’s a good night from the orangy living room with sounds of Please the trees playing out loud… until the next time I see you, whenever it is, I hope you will have gained an insight on what you are seeking for and aren’t as clueless and random as I am, and as I have always been… and its going to rain the whole day tomorrow apparently… so here’s to the rain, the music, the light, the thoughts, the words, the nothingness… here’s one for life – Cheers !!!

Palpasa Café……..

I just finished reading Narayan Wagle’s Palpasa Café, and I am not exaggerating when I say that this is one of the best books I have read till now, hands down. I am not amazed, for I always knew there were such talents in Nepal only waiting to bloom, and how beautifully this one has bloomed. But I am not satisfied with what I learnt – I am not so sure if the story is true (but it was so real, I could picture everything he had described so vividly), but I can blindly put my life on the line when I say that such instances and cases happened a lot during the insurgency  – unknown disappearances, bombings and forced participation, cries and blood and death and everything else in between.  But this is not a book review.

Now, I am left with many unanswered questions and there’s just nowhere I can look for solutions. I am sad, hurt, overwhelmed, infuriated and helpless, all at the same time. I am awestruck by the way I was so naïve of what was going on around Kathmandu, the way blood flooded gallis and pakhas of my nation, and bullet-shells and gunpowder filled the open air in the most purest of places and in the lives of the genuinely innocents while I was enjoying Cold Lemon at the roof of Brezels’ listening to live music being played at Shisha’s right across the street at Thamel talking about how AWESOME it would be to go to Nagarkot yet again for a night-out. I find everything unreal and how all that was happening – people dying, buses exploding, infants being killed – instances and pieces of which I had read in newspapers on a daily basis but never really pictured its sketch vividly (which the book helped me do) – and I had not the remotest of idea of the reality. It was more of an indifferent thing to me, something that did not touch my life personally and so, I had no concerns, responsibility or any reason what-so-ever as to why I should let that affect my life. This book has made me realize how unpleasant life was  in places affected by the conflict, and now, I feel guilty. Not guilty, but more of a disgust at how shallow a life I was leading, and how ungrateful I had been.

The book is about the civil unrest and the Maoist insurgency that took Nepal by its root and shook its foundations, with destruction of lives and properties of proportions previously unknown to Nepalis. But like I said earlier, I am not a critic and my opinions are not about the book, but about the picture it showed me of Nepal I had never known and how it made me uneasy from the inside. I am just not ready to accept the fact that “Yes, that’s how the reality was outside Thankot and yes, that’s how vague teenagers from Ktm are”. I am not stereotyping anyone here, but I had quite a number of friends, and friends of friends I knew who’d have friends I had met once or twice, and I can downright say that no one was remotely interested in anything happening outside of their oh-so-pretty-lives; I am no exception. And it hurts a little.

But who is to blame? I am not looking for an excuse or poking fingers, neither am I covering up for the shallowness of my generation, but I really have no idea who is responsible for us being so uncaring about our nation’s state and the plight of our brothers and sisters. Is it the lacking of schools to get students involved in social projects that might help “city-peeps” better understand the world outside of their comfy homes and homely couches? Or is it parents’ fault in trying to shield their children from the adversities and harsh realities of lives up to an extent that their world starts and ends within the four walls of their room and the peripheries of Kathmandu and a HOLIDAY at the lakeside or wherever, but only a HOLIDAY? Or is it the government’s fault in not doing anything to mend the differences there exists between a preppy primary level boarding school girl and a 6-year old fetching firewood for dinner-fire in places that have not yet ever seen a bulb glow to fill in the darkness? Who is to blame, who is responsible?

And finger-pointing would be to no avail either. But this restlessness within doesn’t know any better either. Neither can I acknowledge reality as it is – that the state of my country is in ruins and no one is doing anything for its resurrection, nor can I let alone the thought of how blinded we were by the smog and the brouhaha of Kathmandu that we failed to hear the ear-piercing shrieks and cries of the unfortunate, innocent victims or the deafening explosions that shredded both – the human bodies, and the lives of the loved ones that were left alone to cry their eyes and heart out, and then lead a life with a void black hole that would never again return to normalcy. I can’t help but wonder how the city-denizens were so lost in their materialistic quest for wealth accumulation that they chose not to see the emotional upheaval of their counterparts and ignore any calls for help or support.

Well, I don’t know who, why, where, and what of it all; I do know though that while the people in Kathmandu are still complaining about the nine-hour load shedding being a nuisance causing them to miss their favorite soaps on T.V. and not having cold water to drink as their refrigerators don’t work without electricity (how big of a problem, ahh!!!) or complaining  how the Nepal Yatayat was too packed on the way home or that the taxi-fare was too high, there will then be old, helpless “Budas and Budis” (old people) waiting to die as they have nothing to live for after having lost their young sons and daughters in the war; there will still be eyes, dried out and hollow, looking at the horizon for the sons, daughters, husbands, wives, lovers and anyone else who disappeared without a trace; there will still be the 5 year-old daughter pulling her mother by her Sari and asking her where her dad has gone and if he could bring her a doll when he comes back (unknown to the reality that he is never coming back) and the son who wonders if he will ever ride on his father’s back again or if they could go out to the town for shopping upon his return.

Now, I am alarmed, enraged, troubled, distressed, disturbed, hopeless, lost and apathetic to my helplessness to help contribute or fact that I don’t know any better. I don’t know what can fill in a father figure in a child’s life or what can bring a smile upon the wrinkled faces that have lost everything that ever meant anything to them. I just don’t know, and that makes me restless. I can’t describe how I feel at this point, after having poured all of my frustrations and agitations and complaints, but it makes me uneasy, and this isn’t helpful in any way either. But I just don’t know any better. I just don’t !!!

And its almost here, the new years !!!

A day more to go, and its “GOOD-BYE 2009″ – a year that has not a single thing that is worth remembering, that’s because I can’t remember a single moment from this year that stands out, may be because nothing much happened, or either because so much happened, I eventually failed to keep a track of it. Irrespective of that, its time to make some resolutions and hope they will be around for some time at least. It’s an every-year thing for me – thinking hard about the changes you think you need to make, and then making lists and claims about doing this and that, and eventually, ending up right where you were at the beginning of the year – nowhere, or the same place you were when the year before ended or the one before that. Well, this time too I am up for some changes I think I need to make, and I can only hope that its different this time around, that I will be able to stand at the end of this year, look over this post and be proud of having done things you’ve made a commitment to. So, here’s the ohh-soo-life-changing list that has made headlines in the major dailies of America, NOT !!!

First things first, I shall not waste my spare time on Facebook and messenger. I just realized that while I am busy doing nothing on the internet, the world outside is still running at its pace and I am falling behind in keeping track of it !!!

No more goofing up – includes late night parties, no drinking at all (Not even the insignificant amount I would consume when I would think it was an appropriate occasion to get wasted, and there were occasions almost every day or two), and any other kind of intoxicants…Its time I became sober, not that I aren’t one; but now, no more this and that.

Complete a book once I pick it up. I need to be more focused now, and spend a little time reading stuffs that can actually teach you something rather than googling and following different series and movies and all that junk. Its time to elt go of the virtual world and get a grip of reality, no matter how unpleasant it may be, in worst case scenario that is.

Learn to be a bit more considerate about others, and also to listen to them every once in a while – I really hope I do.

And this one was a thing my friend Sodu wanted to do for new years – Try to keep his word once he gives it. And I think this is too good a challenge to pass. Not that I am a smooth-talker making promises and breaking them, but I have been known around, only a bit, to just let things slide by and not really do what I said I would. So this year, I will try my best not to speak much, and try to implement my words into actions.

“Early to bed, early to rise…Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” – Don’t know if the 8 a.m. classes  I have on all the five school days of the week and 18-21 credit hours will be of any help here, but I think its time I gave a thought to making sleep a priority. I have realized in year 09′ that SLEEP is not a PRIVILEGE, but rather an adjustment. Now its time I changed that notion of mine.

Make it a point to work out daily, even if only for five minutes a day. A healthy body houses a healthy mind, so its time I worked out a bit on the metaphorical body too, and hope that the effort I put into it, somehow, also works me out spiritually and mentally.

I will eat healthy – Yes, that means no more Maccas for breakfast, or meat on every meal and all the junk. I shall eat vegetables (I really hope to), fruits, juices and water and milk and all that. And more sports. I used to be such a sportsoholic  back in the day, but now, I can’t remember the last time I played any game – soccer, basketball or my-passion-during-my-golden-days cricket or swimming (It’s gettin’ cold out there ). Time to go out, get down and dirty, and play my heart out, HELL YEAH !!!

Try out my photography skills. I might grab hold of my first “light-toy”  this year – and I hope my photography classes are awesome, and I can’t wait to see how I perceive the world through lenses apart from the ones in my eyes. Let there be light, now !!!

Try not to be too indifferent about the world around. I know it can be overwhelming, but its time I gave it a chance. No more dwelling on when and how of things and nature and life, and just absorb the wonders around me – nature, colors, shades and faces, human nature, and smaller things around.

This year, I will try to discover myself and the inner-me, if there is one. I am in love with life, and its shortcomings. And now, I will try to understand better the functioning of life – LIFE has always been this thing for me – an amazement, a kryptonite, an adventure, a disappointment – all at the same time. Such is its charm, and such is its fury. And I can’t seem to get enough of it.

And I hope to see a better world, or at least attempts being made towards a better future for the following years to come. Not trying to sound politically correct and all that, but yes, the world needs a change, and the change begins with you. So try to better yourself to help better your world around, and you do make a difference, don’t let anyone else make you think otherwise.

Happy New Years to everyone out there, hope this one turns out as you have planned, and better…

WELCOME 2010 – I shall see the end of you with a better me hopefully…

Peace !!!

And so it begins !!!

Well, Christmas is nearly here and New Year is just round the corner, and pardon me if I am the odd one here, but I have never really been the one who gets all worked up or over-joyed about a new year – its just another month, January in this case, for me, SMH. A new year for a new start, so be it. Well, blogging was fun too, but just wanted to try this out to, remotely for the idea of having a whole web-page with a .com at end …shallow na?? well, that’s how it is..so pay no heed to it. Anyhoo, this year was exciting I believe…though I can barely remember anything that happened in January 09′ or November 09′ either. I have always had a hard time trying to remember stuffs, and in case you don’t believe me, ask any of the girls I blatantly keep talking to till 2 in the morning – the are living alibis that can back my claim in me not being able to remember an over-night conversation, let alone keep track of the whole year. But some important things this year:

made a 4.0 – Sweet

This interest in photography making me take up photography as my associates – can’t wait for the classes to being already..

Still SINGLE and MAKING the MOST of it – anyone in relationships, you guys are missing out BIG, or not… your life, you decide !!!

Yea, Earning on my own, man it feels good. Never thought I’d be the one to say so, but guys, the money you earn is always, yup – ALWAYS, more fun to squander than your parents’, any earning person would agree probably, or not !!!

Adapting to the brouhaha around life in States.

PARTYING and WORK don’t mix – my co-worker spent the entire summer trying to make me realize that, I spent the entire summer ignoring her and yawning at work and feelin’ terrible every morning, but wouldn’t change a thing …it was SUMMER !!!

Saw a few places – New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Houston, Dallas. Def. need to take some more time out for the road-trips, and some shitty DOLLARS too !!!

Yea, Six-Flags – one of the craziest things ever, and darn it, I am doing it all over again, YUP !!!

Realized I spent three times more time on facebook this year than on anything else – anything comprehends LIFE, SCHOOL, EVERYTHING else.

Realized flirts can turn ugly. Even scarily, serious sometimes, haha… So no more random stranger conversations. Not so sure for how long though !!

Yes, BHOJAN bhanda BHOK MITHO (Plain food while starving is always better that a lavish meal, as far as my translation skills go) … never ever agreed to that back home, and now, I truly understand what that means. And though I still nag about the veggies, at least I no more want meat or french fries with every dinner, and yes, that is a HUGE progress. My mumma would be so soo relieved upon knowing this – she still doesn’t and I don;t plan on letting her know..psssshhh !!!

The world might END in 2012, I hope it does. The world seriously needs a new beginning amidst all the chaos and hatred there is – I will blog about this because there is just too much I have to say on this…..

And last but not the least, I think I am more in LOVE with Nepal than ever before. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I ever loved Nepal, well, may be I did not know. I was always a city-boy, and I never really knew Nepal at all, nothing about it except for the facts and tidbits I read in my General Knowledge and Social Studies classes back in secondary school. But now, I am sure about one thing I want to do with my future, and I couldn’t be more glad with what I have decided. And yes, life is worth every struggle you put up with, for the end is always worth the hardships…and even if it’s not apparent, as time goes by, you’ll realize it, its only a matter of time.

Well, that’s my 2009 for you…I shall have a thing about what I want my 2010 to be like…in a day or two or three or more… till then, relish the chilly wind outside and enjoy the sunshine if it’s out..and peeps in East Coast, don’t FREEZE !!!